A String of Pearls


February 06, 2023 Charlotte Fryer Episode 17
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Healing the wounds of abandonment.

0:00:53.3 Charlotte:  Synonymous with the fear of death, the fear of abandonment plays a large role in a lot of the suffering. The human condition experiences, the unconscious mind looks at securing attachment out of fear of being alone, fear of being alone due to... In one's lonesomeness, potentially falling prey to a sense of existentialism. And in life, there are going to be times of abandonment for sure, there's going to be moments no matter how perfect one's life is where we do feel alone.

0:01:42.8 Charlotte: Ultimately we are born alone and when we leave this world, we will pass alone. However abandonment can... Like anything is on a spectrum and it can come in many different forms. It's not just a physical thing. Someone can yes, be physically abandoned but it can also be an emotional abandonment. People that I've worked with don't feel seen, they feel abandoned when their thoughts, their feelings, their needs aren't met when they're overlooked or when they're dismissed. This is often due to early developmental trauma.

0:02:32.5 Charlotte: Typically a co-dependent dynamic whereby that child later on in adulthood is still fulfilling the prophecy of feeling that their worth, their value is directly dependent on their identity being consistently confirmed and re-affirmed. And the irony and the unfortunate nature of that entire pathology is that by grasping, by being disorderly in your attachments, because you're not deeply steeped in a sense of self.

0:03:20.8 Charlotte: You are far more likely to experience the very thing that you're trying to avoid, which is the abandonment and people don't typically enjoy feeling stifled or feeling repressed. Again, it goes back to the laws of nature. We need to feel a sense of expansion like we can breathe, like we can be ourselves. And so when someone is feeling the weight or the burden of being a barometer for their partner or their friend or their family members' mood or a sense of self worth. That can get tiresome and often cause abandonment to occur.

0:04:14.4 Charlotte: And when working with people who have suffered multiple abandonments, I meet them where they are and I appeal to them to explore the concept and living experience. But it starts with the shift in perception, a concept that the abandonment they are experiencing, although at the hands of another, if looked at in a different way, it really is, they themselves abandoning their own in a child.

0:04:55.9 Charlotte: Every time we put ourselves in a situation, most especially when we are in a co-dependent dynamic, we are signing up for a relationship that does not involve keeping your inner child, therefore your most authentic self a priority. So your inner child goes even more into hiding because you are not embracing your inner child. So the inner child that has the original wounding, distances itself further from you because you keep leaving it behind.

0:05:42.4 Charlotte: And so the powerful transformations that come about happen when someone realizes that they have everything they need inside of them, starting with their inner child's. And if they can, re-parent that inner child's and develop trust with that inner child, that inner child then starts to believe that, "Okay, maybe, maybe I am worthy because you are not putting me in situations where I continue to feel that I'm not enough."

0:06:26.8 Charlotte: And that is a process of not only healing from development... Excuse me, developmental trauma but also constructing healthier boundaries, self care. And shifting the paradigm from being a victim to living a more empowered life and that in turn changing what it is that you attract. You will no longer fulfill that prophecy of needing to be abandoned. You will draw towards you, someone or people whom have a much greater sense of self and as equals you can walk besides each other and there's room enough to grow with each other. That's then a relational dynamic that's sustainable because the very nature of it is one that supports growth and evolution 

Spectrum of Abandonment
Self Fulfilling Prophecy
The undue weight of abandonment fear
Shifting the lens
Working with the Inner Child
The Power of Reparenting Yourself
Living into the gift of attracting Relational Dynamics